As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right.
As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
I’d hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer’s. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Meow means "woof" in cat.
My back hurts. I think I over-schlepped.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Think off-center.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch.
