Things You Should Have Learned By Middle Age

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

It ain't the jeans that make your rear end look fat.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

" I'd still rather hunt with Cheney than ride with Kennedy."

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory